Baltimore Sports

Quote/Lyric of the day: "All my rowdy friends are here on monday night."

My theory is this: One Ravens game is equal to one-sixteenth of the entire Orioles season. Why? Because at first, you're like, "Well, I think we have a pretty good chance of winning." Then, after the first quarter, the Ravens do something totally stupid, like throw an interception to a D-lineman. They may even commit such a folly multiple times. Equally as moronic, the Orioles lose three games in a row after leading each game in the eighth inning.

Later in the Ravens game, they pull off some sweet plays and maybe kick a field goal. Back at the Yard, the Orioles rip off a couple of bad-ass Hall-of-Fame pitching performances in a row (but don't really score a whole lot of runs).

Again, the Ravens slip into mediocrity for another quarter. Maybe laying a big hit for a fumble, but they don't capitalize and have to punt. The Orioles, on the other hand, beat up on the Yankees for two days and then lose three out of four to the Royals.

Finally, the Ravens look like a legit Superbowl contender for the last half of the game and then play like they licked a Chinese-made Tonka truck coated with lead paint for the last few minutes. The Orioles play like they would sweep the World Series in four games for a game or two and then they break records set for losses that have been untouched in almost one century.

While you may disagree with my "Orioles-Ravens Microcosm Theory," I believe I am in the proverbial "ballpark" with my assessment. This is the tortured life we live as Baltimore sports fans.

In the meantime, Go Ravens, Go O's and Go Blast.

Cow People

Lyric of the Day: "I am John the Fisherman."

Well, apparently modern medicine has advanced so far as to "create" hybrid embryos from human skin cells and cow eggs. These fancy mixes are 99.9% human. Of course, scientists want to use the stem cells that are created after an electric shock is administered to the cow egg cell containing human DNA in order to begin cell division.

I ask, how long before this technology falls into the wrong hands? You know it's bound to happen. Somehow the Russians and Chinese found their way into space.

How do you respond to a child asking, "Why does Auntie Mae eat all the mashed potatoes and green beans at Thanksgiving?"

I'll tell you how. You say, "My dear child, because Auntie Mae has four stomachs."

Tough Guys in Skirts

In the words of Ben Harper: "If you don't like my fire, then don't come around." That is rule number one around here.

I came to a stunning realization today. For the past seven or eight years, I've seen people wearing t-shirts that are about seventeen sizes too big. Personally, I think these people look like absolute morons. But, what I realized today, is that they might as well wear cocktail dresses.

What makes this all the more interesting is that this look is for tough guys. Real hard-core, gang-banging, (wannabe) thugs. Now, I won't be the first person to say "Hey, nice skirt, buddy" to one of these gentlemen. Why? Because, with my luck, I will pick the real gang-banging thug who still thinks he's in South Central L.A. circa 1992. What I will do, however, is have myself a nice chuckle while driving downtown to work everyday.

I implore you, my friends, have yourself a laugh when you see a tough guy in a skirt. It makes life a little bit easier, when you know these fools look like little girls and they don't even know it.